Wednesday, July 12, 2006

So you wanna be a Republican...

A couple of years ago, during the 2004 Presidential election, this piece regularly circulated via e-mails and blogs. Moreover, back then Chairman of the Tennessee Democratic Party Randy Button poked fun at the GOP and entertained the crowd by reading it out loud during the annual Kennedy dinner event. Ah, good times.

The first time I got it, I took it as irrefutable proof that the Democrats were going to take back the White House. After all, who in their right mind would ever vote for the guys that believe and advocate all this non-sense-- right?

Roughly, 62,040,606 Americans…

Oh well… I was naïve and gullible back in those days. Apparently, so was 51% of the electorate.

Getting back to today’s post, I have the 2006 updated version of “Things you have to believe to be a Republican” just in time or the mid-term elections:

“Things you have to believe to be a Republican in 2006”

1. All illegal immigrants are dangerous criminals that must be deported immediately after they are done cleaning you house and mowing your lawn.

2. The National Guard’s outstanding construction skills should be used primarily to build a fence on the south border instead of rebuilding hurricane-stricken areas in the Gulf Coast.

3. Global warming is just another left-wing conspiracy scare tactic created by Al Gore to bring down the Bush Administration.

4. Hurricanes are God’s way of telling us that we should teach intelligent design in public schools.

5. The only way to protect our American values and civil liberties is to ban Flag burning and restrict the First Amendment.

6. Same sex marriage will encourage lesbians to have more abortions and people will marry their pets, hence we need a Constitutional Amendment to define and protect the sanctity of marriage.

7. The UN plots to take your guns away during secret meetings held on national holidays.

8. It is totally safe to go hunting with the Vice-president.

9. Sen. Bill Frist is a superb doctor and his remote video diagnoses are completely accurate.

10. Sen. Rick Santorum and Rep. Pete Hoekstra found WMDs in Iraq.

11. Fox News is a beacon of journalistic integrity and would never mislead the American Public.

12. We are wining the war in Iraq.

13. To win a Congressional seat you must single- handily be able to win the war on terrorism, the war on God, and the war on Hillary Clinton.

14. Gas price crisis are inevitable consequences of our current economic conditions, but our economy is booming due to the tax cuts.

15. A federally mandated minimum wage increase would hurt the poor and the economy, thus it is morally reprehensible – Permanent tax cuts for the rich, on the other hand, is what Jesus would have done to help the poor.

15 Comments:

Blogger David Holt said...

Welcome to the club.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 9:13:00 PM  
Blogger Pam said...

Thanks! Proud to be part of it.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 9:20:00 PM  
Blogger PeskyFly said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 9:32:00 PM  
Blogger PeskyFly said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 9:34:00 PM  
Blogger PeskyFly said...

You have to believe in big government, and big entitlements.

You have to believe that cutting taxes and spending like a drunken sailor makes Jesus jizz.

You have to believe you're not gay as long as you got it through a glory hole, or because you never kissed the other guy.


You have to believe that the amount Jesus loves you is directly related to the money you spend lobbying for loud prayer on every streetcorner.

You have to believe some mission, somewhere has been accomplished.

You have to believe something in America is better than it was six years ago.

You have to believe that 2+2= uh. uh. Wait, I know this one. It's... it's... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOU LATTE DRINKING ELITIST.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 9:37:00 PM  
Blogger Pam said...

Pardon me?

It's "Sangria drinking liberal elitist" for you...

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 10:08:00 PM  
Blogger PeskyFly said...

Hey, that wasn't the "me" voice, that was the "wingnut" voice.

And kudos on the sangria. It's my favorite.

Ah, for the nights on La Rambles!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 10:38:00 PM  
Blogger John Harvey said...

1. All illegal immigrants are dangerous criminals that must be deported immediately after they are done cleaning you house and mowing your lawn.
I’ve never heard anyone say ALL illegal immigrants are anything.
2. The National Guard’s outstanding construction skills should be used primarily to build a fence on the south border instead of rebuilding hurricane-stricken areas in the Gulf Coast.
Closing that gaping hole, from which emanates that “giant sucking sound”, is a good thing.
3. Global warming is just another left-wing conspiracy scare tactic created by Al Gore to bring down the Bush Administration.
In the 60s it was Global Cooling, today it’s Global Warming. The reality may be that we have Global Scientists who chase research funding.
4. Hurricanes are God’s way of telling us that we should teach intelligent design in public schools.
Hurricanes are God’s way of doing God’s way
5. The only way to protect our American values and civil liberties is to ban Flag burning and restrict the First Amendment.
I disagree. I believe people should be allowed to burn the flag if they choose and I believe in the Second Amendment – just as much as the other amendments.
6. Same sex marriage will encourage lesbians to have more abortions and people will marry their pets, hence we need a Constitutional Amendment to define and protect the sanctity of marriage.
Same sex marriage and abortion will ultimately render the Democratic party moot!
7. The UN plots to take your guns away during secret meetings held on national holidays.
Nothing like a crisis to rally the troops.
8. It is totally safe to go hunting with the Vice-president.
I’d rather go hunting with Dick Chaney than go for a drive with Ted Kennedy.
9. Sen. Bill Frist is a superb doctor and his remote video diagnoses are completely accurate.
This has something to do with party?
10. Sen. Rick Santorum and Rep. Pete Hoekstra found WMDs in Iraq.
There were many WMDs found in Iraq. There were numerous aircraft found there and aircraft are what were used to kill thousands on 9/11 ergo, WMD.

11. Fox News is a beacon of journalistic integrity and would never mislead the American Public.
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
12. We are wining the war in Iraq.
Sorta.
13. To win a Congressional seat you must single- handily be able to win the war on terrorism, the war on God, and the war on Hillary Clinton.
Huh?
14. Gas price crisis are inevitable consequences of our current economic conditions, but our economy is booming due to the tax cuts.
No on the first part, yes on the second.
15. A federally mandated minimum wage increase would hurt the poor and the economy, thus it is morally reprehensible – Permanent tax cuts for the rich, on the other hand, is what Jesus would have done to help the poor.

I say raise the minimum wage. Tax cuts have always stimulated the economy. It worked under Reagan, Bush I, even slick Willie and now. People spend the money which invigorates the economy.

Thursday, July 13, 2006 1:00:00 AM  
Blogger Pam said...

You are almost there my Republican friend! Keep up the good work!!

Thursday, July 13, 2006 8:45:00 AM  
Blogger PeskyFly said...

John,you did live through the 80's right? Reagan's plan left the economy in such crappy shape George the Elected had to go back on his campaign promise of "No new taxes" which helped Clinton get elected in spite of Bush's soaring approval ratings during the popular multilateral, well-conducted war in Iraq.

The best thing that could happen to the Democratic party (though bad for individuals) would be to have Roe v. Wade overturned. All we need to remember why this is important is to see what kind of impact it will have on people we know, and witness the rise of black market baby mills, and the economic boost to organized crime. Wait until poor folks watch rich folks get pregnant, go abroad, and come back not pregnant. Abortion will be legalized again and nobody serious will ever question it again.

As for gay marriage: with every passing generation attitudes toward homosexuality soften. 10-15 years it won't even be a viable wedge issue. That's the trend, not the other way around.

Thursday, July 13, 2006 9:13:00 AM  
Blogger John Harvey said...

Oh contrary Pesky Fly . . . Reagan's tax cuts stimulated the economy. The problem was he couldn't control the Democratically controlled House and Senate. It's real math that says when outflow exceeds income - you gotta problem.

Isn't it amazing how we both see the same thing, but have a different perspective?

Thursday, July 13, 2006 9:19:00 AM  
Blogger PeskyFly said...

Not buying John. Too much good examination of the policies, the deficit, and what went wrong.

Trickle down just doesn't work.

Now if you want to talk about tax cuts that work, look to the middle class. Broad middle tax tax cuts can stimulate consumerism in a way that tax cuts at the top just don't.

Thursday, July 13, 2006 9:34:00 AM  
Blogger Wintermute said...

A related subject in my Voodoo Economics.

And for a nice blast from the past, hit the 7/11 link.

Thursday, July 13, 2006 1:03:00 PM  
Blogger John Harvey said...

I seem to recall getting a tax cut under Reagan and another under Bush I. The county is the one kiling me today. I get a 1 or 2% increase and the insurance goes up 15%.

Do you remember 21% interest rates under Carter?

Thursday, July 13, 2006 4:46:00 PM  
Blogger PeskyFly said...

Yep.

Friday, July 14, 2006 8:33:00 PM  

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